his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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