Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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