If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
