she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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