Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
