i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I think people are normalizing furries
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
