There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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