You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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