First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
