this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
