Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize