i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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