Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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