So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
