Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
