I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
