Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
