Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
