I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
you had me at cake vodka
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
