Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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