Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
