I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
