Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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