sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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