I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
