My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
