How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
