Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
