dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
