dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
