I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
