I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
