when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
