Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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