Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize