Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
