I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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