we have pet lesbian snakes
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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