I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
