So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Is Oprah even human
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
