sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I will pee on everything he values.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
