between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize