You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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