Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Holy sore nipples Batman
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
