Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
