Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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