I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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