Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this just has baby written all over it
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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