I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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