I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
