Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize