you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
