Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize