Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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