we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
