god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
