dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
bring money and cleavage
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
