A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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