there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
