What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
