uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
