my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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