If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
