Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
