Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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