Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
