The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
